@iwearaonesie

*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car

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@Prero22

I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.

@cellapaz

how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did

@MsCassieDaniels

My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”

@Amusitr0n

Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]

@ohpegah

“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.

@naledimashishi

I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion

@OhNoSheTwitnt

No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.

@KentWGraham

59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.

@Manda_like_wine

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

@IGotsSmarts

Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.