*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car

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I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.


how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did


My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”


Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]


“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.


I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion


No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.


59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.


7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:


Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.