*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
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[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen