*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
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that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
…..pretty much.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
if my sleeping schedule was a person
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.