[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
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I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
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Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.