Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
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doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
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I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle