[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
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For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Coffee for people with no kids
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse