*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
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“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Not messing around
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
They’re called werewolves.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Check your privilege
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better