@AndyAsAdjective “IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
@Laser_Cat *gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
You Might Also Like
@AndyAsAdjective 
@AngelaEhh An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
@WilliamAder Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
@ashmensch *guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
@camel_racer *Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
@Jazzzzzmina How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
@RichardWiseman This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
@Brampersandon_ [office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
@CornOnTheGoblin [commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
@Smooheed *signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*