@Laser_Cat

*gets pulled over*

Do you know how fast you were going?

*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*

Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.

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@AndyAsAdjective

“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”

@AngelaEhh

An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.

@WilliamAder

Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?

@ashmensch

*guy getting eaten by a shark*

Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.

Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.

@camel_racer

*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*

@Jazzzzzmina

How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.

@RichardWiseman

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

@Brampersandon_

[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?

@CornOnTheGoblin

[commercial for toilets]

°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°

There’s got to be a better way

@Smooheed

*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*

*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*

*gets attacked by moth*

*falls off chair*