@smeagolsfree I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
@AtticusFinch79 <gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
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@smeagolsfree 
@JustBeingEmma When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
@timdonakowski Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
@sixfootcandy To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
@JennyJohnsonHi5 I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
@CulturedRuffian Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
@Eden_Eats Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
@Helen_KelIer Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
@Ygrene microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
@KalvinMacleod [buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse