<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

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I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”


When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.


Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.


To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.


I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.


Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.


Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”


microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold

me: what if you cooked it just right

microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks


[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse