<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
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[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
The 6 types of sex
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Finally a use for spoilers…
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no