@AtticusFinch79

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

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@smeagolsfree

I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”

@JustBeingEmma

When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.

@timdonakowski

Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

@sixfootcandy

To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.

@CulturedRuffian

Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.

@Helen_KelIer

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

@Ygrene

microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold

me: what if you cooked it just right

microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks

@KalvinMacleod

[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse