*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
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Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Mmmm canned fish.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”