Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.

Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.

The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band

if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt

Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.

i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes

Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles

I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.

I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.

Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.

Tree: so how do I eat?

God: you just absorb sunlight and-

Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!

God: well not exactly-

Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ

God:

Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.

the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments

Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”

Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end

“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.

[Mom group]

New mom: My six-month-old is teething.

My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.

My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with

My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”

Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up

my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”

Draw me like one of your French Fries.

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”

Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.

[during sex]

me: imma turn the ceiling fan on

giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”

The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.

[boiling pot]

dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off