*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
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The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
😆this is so true
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.