*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
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About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.