*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
You Might Also Like
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
OH. COME. ON.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*