Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything

cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you

How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.

My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.

At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.

#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke

being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg

Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.

Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.