*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
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“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.