*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
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My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Whisper out to librarians!
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
When libraries troll their patrons.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.