*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
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people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?