gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
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BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
seems fine
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.