getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
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Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
How dramatic are you?
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
My biological clock is wheezing.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet