getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
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Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit