Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
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*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
⛄️
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Good morning, Twitter x
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible