Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
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wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious