[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
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Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
😩😩😩
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.