Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
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People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
WHO DID THIS?
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
beware of dog
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*