Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
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My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator