[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
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[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen