[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
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[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
How I’d get arrested…
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*