Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
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then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.