Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
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For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future