[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
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I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.