[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
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Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.