[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
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Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Worst perfume name ever.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.