[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
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Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
I think we should hear other voices.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
In banana years, I am bread.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.