*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
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When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Lassie, get help!
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️