Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
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This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Dead sexy!!
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”