[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
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When he asks for feet pics
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.