Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
You Might Also Like
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it