[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
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9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Name another movie that mislead you?
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯