[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
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she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.