Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN

We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.

Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot

Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*

🤣🤣🤣

Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.

5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.

[Garden of Eden]

Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend

Eve: I thought I was your best friend?

Adam: I love you

Eve: aww I love you too

Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers

I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.

Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you

What is a picnic?

Correct!

[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*

Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.

[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS

They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.

Doctor: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime

I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.

It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.

overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today

Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.

My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors

…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…

[Chapstick Season]

Me: I look cute today.

Camera: No.

Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?

Me *stares around my empty house* everything