Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
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Ah..makes sense now
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4