*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
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Finally!
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
John Hammond: We鈥檝e got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there鈥檚 no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there鈥檚 such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you鈥檙e saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
馃檲 See no evil.
馃檳 Hear no evil.
馃檴 Monkey beat-boxing
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they鈥檙e trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Don鈥檛 send me back to bed if you don鈥檛 want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I鈥檓 sure he鈥檒l kill it here
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
I鈥檓 sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I鈥檝e already told you everything you need to know