[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
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You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]