“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
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The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee