Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
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Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Skills
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?