Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
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My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 馃槀
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it馃槖
Never forget when I saw CHILD鈥橲 PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba鈥檚 birthday
set yourself free xox
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I鈥檓 so proud.
She鈥檚 in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Pac-Man: what鈥檚 for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 馃寱馃寱馃寱
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you鈥檙e welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.