Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
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Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
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9.
10. He is a cat.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.