[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
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LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I鈥檓 about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what鈥檚 his name
Me: I don鈥檛 know he won鈥檛 tell us
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Remember kids, if you鈥檙e driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 馃槼馃憖
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there鈥檚 no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That鈥檚 a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that鈥檚 why I asked first.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 馃槼
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
monster under my bed: I鈥檓 gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move