getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
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Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?