*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
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Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.