*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
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who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?