Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
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“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.