Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
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*praying for world peace*
God:
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.