Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
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[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.